Time to Talk

 

Today is Time to Talk day.  It's the day for talking about mental health, highlighting how important it is to talk about mental health and remove the stigma attached to it.  So many people admit that they don’t talk about their mental health but when they do it definitely helps.

I fall into that category.  Sadly I feel my mental health is often not at 100% and I’m not great at talking about it.  So I’m talking now.  To whoever reads this.  One of my inspirations is my DIL who blogs at Hope the Black Dog.  She suffers from anxiety but is doing a lot to address her own health and also promote awareness.

I guess I’ve always been a glass half-empty type.  I grew up with what at the time were considered older parents (37 and 42 when I was born), parents who were both quite serious and responsible people. I was quiet and not at all confident although I knew I was loved.

As a bright child though, from early on there was an expectation of doing well.  I became a people pleaser and hopeless at saying no.  I also had to become quite a capable person.  In the space of one year I went through a broken engagement, the front of the house being crashed into and losing my Dad to cancer.  I was 22 and still living at home.  Inevitably I felt quite responsible for my Mum – she couldn’t even write a cheque when Dad died.

So I coped.  And then I got married and had 3 children in short succession.  And I coped.  Then I went back to work and had a job with enormous responsibility.  And I tried to cope.

But I wasn’t coping.  I was anxious but didn’t realise at first.  What I did develop was a need to be in control.  I had to be in control.  But if I wasn’t I found I would get anxious about situations.  This gradually reached a point where I couldn’t use public transport, deal with crowded situations or basically do anything where I wasn’t in control.  I would get into a panic and become convinced that I needed the loo so any situation where it would be difficult to get to a loo would be avoided.

This went on for some time but when it began to affect family life as in the sort of holidays we took, attending school events and so on I knew I had to do something about it.  Especially when I accepted that I was not in a good place. 

I had counselling and gradually I learned to unwind and accept that I can’t control everything.

I’ve come a long way since then.  Often at counselling or any other mental health appointments you’re asked how you feel.  My counsellor asked me what would make me feel 10 out 10 with regard to the toilet issue.  My response was that I’d be able to tackle any situation without even thinking about toilets.  I’m not quite there.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever be at 100% but I do cope much better.

You also get asked if you’ve had thoughts about harming yourself or worse.  I wasn’t always truthful when answering that question. 

I’d love to say that was the end of my mental health issues but unfortunately not.  Watching my Mum succumb to Alzheimer’s in 2012 and then the events leading to me giving up my job in 2015 both had me back in a dark place. 

It’s hard to describe to other people if they haven’t experienced it.  How you know what needs to be done, even something as simple as just getting up, but you just can’t do it.  Easy decisions become incredibly hard.  Your self-esteem plummets and it’s hard not to end up in a downward spiral.

Fortunately I’ve been able to access counselling services each time I’ve really felt I’ve needed them and my hubby is incredibly supportive.  I’ve also managed to get over these dark spells without resorting to medication.  I push the boundaries when I feel good and accept my limits when I need to.  And then I look at my wonderful family and know that I’m blessed.

 

And that glass, well it’s usually had wine in it so half empty is fine.