It's a little too close to Christmas.....

Long time readers of my blog will know I am not a Christmas person.  I usually find the whole thing stressful and I'm not the best person to be around in the run up to Christmas.  I'm ok once we get to Christmas morning and it's too late to change anything but until then probably best to give me a wide berth!

This year I was determined to be better and I made a good start - my tree and decorations were up on 2nd December.  But things have gone downhill since then.  I have done my usual trick of procrastinating.  Consequently I have been getting more and more stressed and poor hubby has been taking the brunt of my frustrations that are mainly with myself.

It's been busy this week with lunch dates, babysitting and nights out so by today I was really feeling the pressure.  In fact the lid blew.  Which was a good thing because hubby and I talked about a few things that were adding to my feelings of having too many things to do and we resolved some of those.   This afternoon I have also managed to sort out the Secret Santa present I needed to get and put together a shopping list for our Christmas break and I'm feeling much more in control.

The stupid thing is I am totally capable of planning for Christmas and there is no need for me to get myself in this situation.  But for whatever reason (and of course there are some things that rear their heads around this time of year) I stick my head in the sand and by the time I dig myself out of the hole there is hardly any time left to get everything done.

I have a plan now for this week which is also going to be busy.  (Lots of time with Grandsons Nathan & Rory lined up.)  But I feeling more positive and I even tried curling my hair.  We're going to visit old friends on Saturday night and I just thought it might be nice to do something different.  Not the best photo but hopefully you'll get the idea.  Now I just have to sort out something to wear!  I hope Rory likes going shopping!

 
 Anyway you'll understand why I haven't been getting around to reading as many blogs as I'd like, well I'm reading just not always having time to comment.  I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling the pressure right now but hang in there.  It's almost here.  And there's always this:

A - Z Challenge - W is for What's Next?

My theme for this challenge is family and relations.

This post was going to be Wives “married women” but you’ve heard a lot about me already in my other roles so I’ve decided to go with What's Next?  It’s appropriate because yesterday was my official last day at my job that I’ve had for 14 years. 

I’ve not actually been going to work for the last two months as my GP decided I was not fit for work so the passing of the last day was a bit of a non-event.  As was last Friday which would have been my last working day.  Friday was hard as I did not leave my job through choice.  It’s true that I resigned but only because I felt I had no alternative.

What’s next?  I’m not sure yet.  I have a long list of things that need doing.  One of which is to look at our finances and see if I need to get another job or not.  If I do I will need to consider what sort of job I’d want and I’d need to revamp my CV.  If I don’t need to work I’ll need to decide if I want to work or if not how I will fill my time.

It’s all a bit scary.  I’ve started making lists but now I have to start crossing things off the list.  (Did I ever mention that I love making lists but not very good at doing what's on them? lol)

Friday was a sad day for me but today was better.  I needed to go to the Vet’s to pick up some tablets for my cat so I walked there.  It was about a 3 ½ mile round trip but the weather was nice and it was good to get out in the fresh air.  In the afternoon I made some plans for a family gathering we are having on Sunday for my hubby’s 60^th birthday.  It’s good to keep busy.

I’ve seen a few people who have a “101 things in 1001 days” list and I might think about that.  Having targets and things to look forward to is good.  One other priority is taming the toilet demon.  (For anyone who needs that explaining check out this post.)  He reared his head again yesterday and I nearly didn’t go to watch the London Marathon.  But I’m glad to say I dealt with the demon and made it.   

It was important for me to go as my youngest son was taking part.  Unfortunately he must have been running past us so fast that we all blinked and missed him!  He wasn’t running that fast of course but with all the crowds it’s difficult to pick people out.  He managed to complete the course in just under 4 hours which was his aim so he was pleased with himself and he raised money for charity.  We did get to meet up with him at the end and it was a good day out.

What’s next? Time to get this post posted and then to bed. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

A better day

Yesterday was a better day.  I managed to get several things done.

Firstly I did the household chores that needed doing.  I also bagged up some jumble for recycling.

I made myself go out to the shopping mall in nearby Ilford.  This had two advantages over the well known Westfield at Stratford which is actually nearer.  One there was less likelihood of running into people I may know.  (Yes my work colleagues would have been at work but there are also 400 plus sets of parents who could be out and about that could recognise me!)  Secondly I parked in the Sainsbury's supermarket car park that has a recycling centre.  I was able to not only put the jumble bags in the Oxfam recycling bins but also offload the glass bottles we had accumulated.  Anyone watching me could be forgiven for thinking I'm an alcoholic.  That's the problem with having a house that has lots of storage space - things tend to accumulate.  Although I'm sure the wine bottles multiply when left languishing in the cellar waiting to be recycled.

That will be an aim in future - do this more regularly.  There are actually recycling bins at the end of my road so I really have no excuse now for not taking a walk up there each week with any bottles/jars we have emptied. 

Back to yesterday.  The whole point of going to the mall was to get a present for our eldest son.  That was achieved quite quickly.  Hopefully he will like it but if not or it doesn't fit he can exchange it for something else.  I also managed to get some light bulbs for our kitchen.  These are ones for the lights under the wall cabinets that light the work surfaces.  They are halogen and not available everywhere.  They are also fiddly to put in.  Once again Nick had been complaining about the lack of extra light but typically hadn't done anything about it!  So now there is light!  Not sure if he would have noticed if I hadn't told him.

I also managed some time on the Wii and have put together a To Do list for the long term.

Having done all of that and some washing I decided I'd earned some TV time.

I also worked on the plan for the mattresses and we switched them over before bed last night.  Nick claims to have slept better, he certainly wasn't awake so early, but he was still complaining of pins and needles in his arms which I think is due to the fact that he often sleeps with his arms above his head.  I slept ok too but I did wake once or twice.  We'll see how it goes.  We also discovered our beds are not all the same size.  Our one (which came from IKEA) is an imperial size. so 4 feet 6 inches across.  Our other two, which are both the same, are IKEA size.  Fortunately it was ok as the IKEA mattress just fits in the frame of our bed thanks to it being quite soft but our mattress is a bit smaller than the other frame it is now in.  If we'd been switching them the other way it wouldn't have worked.  Not sure that I've explained that very clearly!

So overall a better day.  I've decided to try and get up and tidied round each day then blog where possible. Then I'll try and fill the rest of my day productively or not as the mood takes me.  I'm a work in progress.

The world went dark

Yes there's was an eclipse but I didn't see it.  Firstly it was too overcast in London and secondly I wasn't even out of bed at the time.

The world went dark is a good way of referring to my life at the moment.  I am currently signed off sick due to work related stress.  Add in high blood pressure, tinnitus and a dash of depression and this is not likely to be a cheerful read.  Those of a delicate disposition should probably change channels now.

This has been a long time coming but the straw that broke this camel's back was particularly nasty.  I was shocked and horrified by actions taken by people in positions of power although truthfully the writing had been on the wall for a while.  

On the advice of my GP I have removed myself from the situation.  But it is hard.  I am angry and frustrated because I feel like the bullies have won but am currently in no state to fight them.  Everything is overwhelming and the worst thing is the sense of being out of control has allowed the toilet demon to rear its ugly head again.  

For those who don't know, the toilet demon is the monster that says in my head "you'll need the toilet" whenever I'm confronted with a situation where that might be tricky so things like using public transport, sitting in the middle of a theatre row, going for a walk in the forest.  When the demon was really on the loose he could cause full blown panic attacks.  He's only whispering at the moment but just the fact he's awake is bad enough.

I have been referred to talking therapy and have been to a couple of sessions on "improving your mood" but I'm not finding it very helpful.  Hopefully the individual sessions I'm waiting for will be more useful.  The trouble is I know what I should be doing but it's easier to take the path of least resistance.

Fortunately I have a friend and former work colleague who is in a similar situation so we are our own support network.  We meet up at least once a week, sometimes just the two of us or with other retired ex colleagues.

There are lots of things I could be doing but being off sick makes you feel like you shouldn't be enjoying yourself or be seen out and about although of course mental health issues are often an invisible illness.  I have been trying to get out for a walk when I can and I've managed to do that twice this week.  I've also knitted half a tea cosy.  My son and his partner thoughtfully bought me some magazines. One included some wool and patterns.  Another included cookie cutters and recipes.  I'll need to do a deal with myself - earn any cookies made by walking!

I'm sure this phase will pass.  It's not all doom and gloom - our daughter is getting married in October so positive thoughts, the demon needs to be back in his box long before then.