Lethargy strikes!

After the buzz from completing the A-Z challenge this year I have definitely struggled with my blogging.  I know that I'm tired - 3 days of Grandsitting a week is exhausting.  Lovely, but exhausting.  I will be glad when the summer holidays start and I'll be back to 2 days a week.  But it's not just that.  I seem to have lost a bit of enthusiasm. That coupled with the fatigue and it's been a struggle just to keep up with reading and commenting on your blogs let alone finding inspiration to come up with my own posts.

Of course having a big O birthday coming up doesn't help.  I think I'm a bit in denial over that.  It's just a number after all.  I keep getting asked what I'll be doing.  Will there be a party? etc etc.

Well no there will not be a party.  We are going away the weekend after with all the kids and Grandkids so I'm looking forward to that but I'm hoping it will be quite low key.  I just love spending time with them all, especially watching the interaction between the little ones.

I'm even struggling to come up with suggestions for a family present.  Nick's family always collect for big O birthdays and I was asked what I'd like and I'm finding it hard.  I have thought of a few things but I really need to sit down and sort out some ideas for the organiser.

I feel a bit in limbo at the moment.  There are things I want to be getting on with in the house but our daughter is trying to move and there is a small possibility that if the timing doesn't work well they could have to stay with us for a little while.  We are more than happy to help out if we need to but the next job we need to get done in our house will mean a lot of disruption in the kitchen so I'm waiting on that for now.

And now I feel like a moaning minny but I guess I just wanted to explain my absence and lack of visits and comments.  Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon and I did manage to count my blessings for a Friday's Fave Five post this week.  I definitely have a lot of blessings to be thankful for, especially this lot:

Mental health & something to make you laugh 31/12/18

I have struggled with my mental health over the years.  Bouts of anxiety and depression are not fun to live with but I'm fortunate not to have fallen completely into black holes and I have a loving supportive and understanding family.  I definitely have issues with control and find new situations challenging.  When I'm particularly anxious about things I need to know I can get to a toilet when I need to.  Issues around that make the anxiety even worse.

What I do know from my own experience is that the person suffering with anxiety or depression can only be really helped once they are ready to accept and face their demons.  Telling me to pull myself together or that it's all in my head would have the opposite effect to that intended.

Mostly these days I am coping and I'm challenging myself.  Our trip to Montreal was an example of this.  We were going somewhere new, visiting and staying with people I've never met and I was not in control.  But we planned ahead, were open with our hosts about the problems and we had a great time.  Yes there were a few sticky moments:  needing to get down from a hill top walk quickly when it had snowed and the path was icy in places was one of them.  Fortunately I made it in one piece and with my dignity intact.

Making decisions when you have mental health issues can also be difficult.  Procrastination can become a way of putting off things that seem hard, or even everyday things you don't want to do.  I'm excellent at procrastinating.  That's partly why I've set myself goals again for 2019 even if I didn't do too well with them this year.

On that note, yesterday I decided to resurrect my Wii fit.  I did have some good spells where I used it a lot.  Sadly it laid idle through the whole of 2018.  I decided I needed a clean slate and deleted my previous data.  So fresh start, new baselines required.  For those unfamiliar with the Wii fit, one of the things it does is calculate your weight and BMI and it also looks at your balance - do you lean too much in one direction.  Well I knew my weight and BMI would not be great but I was surprised at how bad my balance seemed to be.  I was prepared to put that down to always holding the Grandkids on the same hip.

I decided to start off gently with a basic stepping routine.  Again I was appalled at how badly I was doing.  I seemed to be completely out of sync and as a former dancer this was not good!  Next I tried a balance game and again was hopeless.

I changed all the batteries in case that was the problem.  Then, eventually, came the moment of enlightenment.  The wii board was facing the wrong way!

Hmm error corrected and my physical efforts were much improved.  Didn't do much for my mental health though! lol

It's a little too close to Christmas.....

Long time readers of my blog will know I am not a Christmas person.  I usually find the whole thing stressful and I'm not the best person to be around in the run up to Christmas.  I'm ok once we get to Christmas morning and it's too late to change anything but until then probably best to give me a wide berth!

This year I was determined to be better and I made a good start - my tree and decorations were up on 2nd December.  But things have gone downhill since then.  I have done my usual trick of procrastinating.  Consequently I have been getting more and more stressed and poor hubby has been taking the brunt of my frustrations that are mainly with myself.

It's been busy this week with lunch dates, babysitting and nights out so by today I was really feeling the pressure.  In fact the lid blew.  Which was a good thing because hubby and I talked about a few things that were adding to my feelings of having too many things to do and we resolved some of those.   This afternoon I have also managed to sort out the Secret Santa present I needed to get and put together a shopping list for our Christmas break and I'm feeling much more in control.

The stupid thing is I am totally capable of planning for Christmas and there is no need for me to get myself in this situation.  But for whatever reason (and of course there are some things that rear their heads around this time of year) I stick my head in the sand and by the time I dig myself out of the hole there is hardly any time left to get everything done.

I have a plan now for this week which is also going to be busy.  (Lots of time with Grandsons Nathan & Rory lined up.)  But I feeling more positive and I even tried curling my hair.  We're going to visit old friends on Saturday night and I just thought it might be nice to do something different.  Not the best photo but hopefully you'll get the idea.  Now I just have to sort out something to wear!  I hope Rory likes going shopping!

 
 Anyway you'll understand why I haven't been getting around to reading as many blogs as I'd like, well I'm reading just not always having time to comment.  I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling the pressure right now but hang in there.  It's almost here.  And there's always this:

Responsibility? Thanks but I'll pass!

Oops the challenge finished and my blogging dropped off so here's one I prepared earlier!

Throughout my life I have always been a responsible person.  The sensible one.  The boring one.  The Goody Two Shoes more often than not.  I was bright and expected to do well.  I had the opportunity to go to university, something my brothers had not.  I squandered that chance.  Truth be told I didn’t know what I wanted at 18 so I’d opted to go with the herd and apply to uni, but when it came to taking my final school exams I decided I’d had enough learning.  I think I was also a bit too scared to leave home at that point.  So I stayed home and got a job.

Then when I was 21 my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Prospects weren’t as good back at that time, plus by the time it was discovered he had it, the primary cancer in his lungs had spread to his brain.  I was still living at home, just gone through a broken engagement and suddenly I had to be a real grown up.  I had to be responsible.  Mum was great but Dad had always taken on the role of the provider etc.  He was the man of the house who looked after his wife.  My Mum had never written a cheque in her life before he died.  A lot changed.

I’ve made it sound as if I had to take on Dad’s role with my Mum but that wasn’t the case.  She just got on with things but of course I felt the responsibility of being there for her and helping her through it but she never held me back.

In time I discovered the love of my life, we married, set up home and had our family.  Close to my Mum.  She was such a great help to us during those early years of marriage when the kids arrived one after the other.  (I never wanted to emulate my Mother-in-law’s brood of 8 kids but I think we could have done if we’d tried.  When we got to 3 and I realised I didn’t have enough hands to hang on to them all I was done!) 

The kids grew up and I went back to work.  First as a Finance Officer for a local charity and then admin roles in the school our kids started at.  I started as the front desk Receptionist and progressed to Business Manager with more and more responsibilities being handed to me.

Then two things happened at the same time.  Hubby had a horrible accident and Mum’s suspected Alzheimer’s was confirmed.  More responsibility.  That was 2005.  Hubby fortunately made a very good recovery but there was definitely a swing to me for taking the lead on things.  Mum of course began the long road of losing not only her memories but also her physical capacities and with that her dignity.  But you plough on.  You prop up the family.  You visit the shell of the person you love even though they have no idea who you are any longer.  And you continue to do your job as best you can.  Because that’s what a responsible person does.

You cope with losing your parents because it’s the usual course of things but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.  Closing down their lives.  Making funeral arrangements, clearing out their things.  It has to be done so you just get on and do it.

Then, as is often the case, there is a straw added that breaks the camel’s back.  In my case it was a work issue that led not only to health issues “I’m signing you off before you end up having a stroke” but my resignation.  I walked away.  Leaving the responsibilities behind.  But I was broken.  It took a long time to recover from the low that I had reached.

Now I’m in a much better place and I have the luxury of being able to make choices.

That’s what prompted this post.  I was offered the opportunity to take on a new responsibility a while ago and I almost did, but then Nathan arrived and I was relieved to be able to concentrate full time on my daughter and Nathan.  I was thinking about the offer at the weekend.  There are still options available to me to take on a role.  But it would mean responsibility and I realised that I’m done with that.  I don’t want to be responsible any more.  I always found myself saying yes in the past.  Now I’m saying no.

As a wife, mother and now grandmother I still have responsibilities but they are ones I’ve chosen to have.  I didn’t choose to be a daughter and all that came with it but I’m glad of that experience, it shaped the person and parent I’ve become.  My Mum and Dad set good examples, hopefully I’m doing the same for my kids and the next generation.

Time to Talk

 

Today is Time to Talk day.  It's the day for talking about mental health, highlighting how important it is to talk about mental health and remove the stigma attached to it.  So many people admit that they don’t talk about their mental health but when they do it definitely helps.

I fall into that category.  Sadly I feel my mental health is often not at 100% and I’m not great at talking about it.  So I’m talking now.  To whoever reads this.  One of my inspirations is my DIL who blogs at Hope the Black Dog.  She suffers from anxiety but is doing a lot to address her own health and also promote awareness.

I guess I’ve always been a glass half-empty type.  I grew up with what at the time were considered older parents (37 and 42 when I was born), parents who were both quite serious and responsible people. I was quiet and not at all confident although I knew I was loved.

As a bright child though, from early on there was an expectation of doing well.  I became a people pleaser and hopeless at saying no.  I also had to become quite a capable person.  In the space of one year I went through a broken engagement, the front of the house being crashed into and losing my Dad to cancer.  I was 22 and still living at home.  Inevitably I felt quite responsible for my Mum – she couldn’t even write a cheque when Dad died.

So I coped.  And then I got married and had 3 children in short succession.  And I coped.  Then I went back to work and had a job with enormous responsibility.  And I tried to cope.

But I wasn’t coping.  I was anxious but didn’t realise at first.  What I did develop was a need to be in control.  I had to be in control.  But if I wasn’t I found I would get anxious about situations.  This gradually reached a point where I couldn’t use public transport, deal with crowded situations or basically do anything where I wasn’t in control.  I would get into a panic and become convinced that I needed the loo so any situation where it would be difficult to get to a loo would be avoided.

This went on for some time but when it began to affect family life as in the sort of holidays we took, attending school events and so on I knew I had to do something about it.  Especially when I accepted that I was not in a good place. 

I had counselling and gradually I learned to unwind and accept that I can’t control everything.

I’ve come a long way since then.  Often at counselling or any other mental health appointments you’re asked how you feel.  My counsellor asked me what would make me feel 10 out 10 with regard to the toilet issue.  My response was that I’d be able to tackle any situation without even thinking about toilets.  I’m not quite there.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever be at 100% but I do cope much better.

You also get asked if you’ve had thoughts about harming yourself or worse.  I wasn’t always truthful when answering that question. 

I’d love to say that was the end of my mental health issues but unfortunately not.  Watching my Mum succumb to Alzheimer’s in 2012 and then the events leading to me giving up my job in 2015 both had me back in a dark place. 

It’s hard to describe to other people if they haven’t experienced it.  How you know what needs to be done, even something as simple as just getting up, but you just can’t do it.  Easy decisions become incredibly hard.  Your self-esteem plummets and it’s hard not to end up in a downward spiral.

Fortunately I’ve been able to access counselling services each time I’ve really felt I’ve needed them and my hubby is incredibly supportive.  I’ve also managed to get over these dark spells without resorting to medication.  I push the boundaries when I feel good and accept my limits when I need to.  And then I look at my wonderful family and know that I’m blessed.

 

And that glass, well it’s usually had wine in it so half empty is fine.