Saturday, 21 March 2015

The world went dark

Yes there's was an eclipse but I didn't see it.  Firstly it was too overcast in London and secondly I wasn't even out of bed at the time.

The world went dark is a good way of referring to my life at the moment.  I am currently signed off sick due to work related stress.  Add in high blood pressure, tinnitus and a dash of depression and this is not likely to be a cheerful read.  Those of a delicate disposition should probably change channels now.

This has been a long time coming but the straw that broke this camel's back was particularly nasty.  I was shocked and horrified by actions taken by people in positions of power although truthfully the writing had been on the wall for a while.  

On the advice of my GP I have removed myself from the situation.  But it is hard.  I am angry and frustrated because I feel like the bullies have won but am currently in no state to fight them.  Everything is overwhelming and the worst thing is the sense of being out of control has allowed the toilet demon to rear its ugly head again.  

For those who don't know, the toilet demon is the monster that says in my head "you'll need the toilet" whenever I'm confronted with a situation where that might be tricky so things like using public transport, sitting in the middle of a theatre row, going for a walk in the forest.  When the demon was really on the loose he could cause full blown panic attacks.  He's only whispering at the moment but just the fact he's awake is bad enough.

I have been referred to talking therapy and have been to a couple of sessions on "improving your mood" but I'm not finding it very helpful.  Hopefully the individual sessions I'm waiting for will be more useful.  The trouble is I know what I should be doing but it's easier to take the path of least resistance.

Fortunately I have a friend and former work colleague who is in a similar situation so we are our own support network.  We meet up at least once a week, sometimes just the two of us or with other retired ex colleagues.

There are lots of things I could be doing but being off sick makes you feel like you shouldn't be enjoying yourself or be seen out and about although of course mental health issues are often an invisible illness.  I have been trying to get out for a walk when I can and I've managed to do that twice this week.  I've also knitted half a tea cosy.  My son and his partner thoughtfully bought me some magazines. One included some wool and patterns.  Another included cookie cutters and recipes.  I'll need to do a deal with myself - earn any cookies made by walking!

I'm sure this phase will pass.  It's not all doom and gloom - our daughter is getting married in October so positive thoughts, the demon needs to be back in his box long before then.


  1. I hope things turn around and the bullies get what they deserve.

  2. Oh dear. Very sincere sympathies. I think many of us have demons of a sort, provoked by stress, and I think you are very brave to talk about it. Whenever things go wrong I have a tendency to blame myself even when others are telling me differently. It can get to be a vicious cycle.

    I am not sure if you are talking about your job, but I thought school politics were sometimes bizarre and impossible to navigate. Time off is just what you need.

    Be good to yourself and remember that bullies sometimes win because we refuse to stoop to their level of nastiness. Take care. Smiles from across the sea.

  3. Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Depression affects so many but the best thing you can do is keep talking about it. I've had panic attacks too. Pretty scary. At least now, you can make moves to remedy yourself. Remember you are number one no matter what else is going on in your life. Many hugs.

  4. I saw the eclipse. It was actually pretty spectacular here in the Fens. Lovely clear bright skies. Way better than the total eclipse all those years back.

    I,m not going to comment on your world going dark because you know that I am here at the end of the phone.

    Will see you soon. Xx


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