The run up to Christmas is often a stressful time and although I didn’t have any cooking to worry about this year, I still allowed myself to get stressed over presents. But now I have time to relax and reflect on this last year and look forward.
I don’t think I was prepared for how hard my Mum’s death would hit me. Having lost her in many ways as she succumbed to Alzheimer’s I felt as though I had already been grieving for her and therefore thought her passing would be a blessing and enable me to move on. I was wrong. These last months have been hard as she’s no longer there to talk to. The routine of my life was disrupted. I drifted. Christmas approached.
As usual I denied it was coming. I left things until the last minute. I didn’t plan ahead. Thank God I wasn’t cooking! But the presents did get bought, and wrapped. The cards were sent. The world is still turning. I just don’t like the fact that I allowed myself to be a Grinch. Again.
Part of my problem I think is that we have descended into chaos at home. There is way too much clutter in my house but we are slowly beginning to tackle it. It is going to take some time and co-operation from family members and I have to be patient. I have to stop procrastinating. This is beginning to sound like a list of resolutions and I’m wary of that. I don’t want to set myself up to fail. I want to be happy with my lot and find the positive in things. (When your daughter buys you a book entitled “14,000 things to be happy about” there is a clear underlying message!) So we may not have got up early yesterday or today but we did clear the bedroom desk of clutter and I did shred lots of old paperwork. Little steps. There is still time for some little steps today.